Our Adoption Journey!

A journal of our thoughts, feelings and steps in the process of adopting a child with significant special needs.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Cycle 5 days 24

Ok, I understand and feel the pain ever so clearly of those experiencing infertility. You can say it is different because I have 4 biological children and have also been blessed to adopt 2 children ,  but it isn't different. It is the drive to have a child and not getting there after months and months of doing everything you possibly can to have one. Today I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and upset. It is like every negative test is chipping away at my heart and today range true. 21 months ago I lost a child. 18 months ago we began the journey to parenthood again. Attempting to find peace with the fostercare system has failed.... we have experienced 21 attempts at adoption scams,  2 potential adoptive placements have fallen through. 12 months of fertility supplements, been through consultations, Dr. Appointments, major surgery and now our 5th cycle trying to conceive is coming to a close. At 6 months we are being referred for even more intensive fertility treatment.....but after investing probably close to $10,000.00 into this dream of another child I don't know how much further I can push it....financially....and emotionally. Of course I will carry on with a small smoldering ember of hope, knowing this child is so wanted and will be so loved.....but today I am hurting.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Back to the drawing board

Our 4th cycle ttc (trying to conceive) has come to a close with no success. And our 5th cycle begins knowing we must think about how we want to move forward as we are supposed to consult again with fertility doctors if we are not pregnant by month no. 6 because of our age. Time is not on our side for any of our options and I am trying very hard not to get depressed at this point. It is hard for me especially because I am usually on the giving end and now I might be the one in need of help. I desperately want another child, and while I would love to be able to conceive and carry a biological child, especially after all the money, time, pain etc. We have invested for this chance, I also know that my desire for another child goes beyond that and I  would happily adopt again but there lies my dilemma,  having invested all our savings to get to this point in restoring my fertility I don't have funds to start an adoption path through an agency, and even if I did have the finances in place, most birth mom's are looking for a childless, young couple. Only a small percentage of girls looking to place a child are open to older families and large families. So here I am hoping for a miracle: either to get pregnant on our 5th cycle or an angel to come into our lives and choose us to raise her child without going through an adoption agency. I will continue to hope, and pray, and give service and help others whenever I can.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Do we still help?

I got a question today if we have given up on adoption or helping someone in a difficult situation. While we have taken a different path to the child we still hope for, we haven't given up on anything. Though we have high hopes to be able to get pregnant again through surgery and fertility meds, we realistically have about a 10% chance.
While we are not moving for with an adoption plan, ie. Renewing our license and home study, we are still open to a guardianship, or temporary/permanent custody for someone who can't parent but would like options or involvement.
Yes, we would absolutely help a situation where a baby needs a home while a parent needs rehab or treatment and doesn't want to loose their baby to the system.
No, we are not a foster home nor do we have a desire to work with dcs/cps as we feel serious reform needs to happen to keep kids safe and families together.
No, we don't get compensation, and no, we can not offer any either. What we do offer is a safe, loving, nurturing environment to enrich the life of a baby that was born into a less than ideal situation.
Yes, we still work with girls to find resources and yes, you would still be in control of visitation and when you feel ready to regain custody. We will always listen to you, offer advice, and help find resources to help your situation, and always act in the best interest of the child (which is almost ALWAYS to keep the family together).
Our desire to have a child has in no way changed our desire and willingness to help children and families who need our help!

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Cycle 4 day 21

I hate the 2 weeks wait between ovulation and when I have a chance to see if we were finally successful in getting pregnant. So to occupy my time I work on projects for the baby we hope for, that usually means knitting, but this week I designed a fashion kit for my bugaboo stroller that I am particularly pleased with. This set is for a girl, but I plan on making a more gender neutral one as well.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Cycle 1 day 1

Here we are 1 week post surgery,  still swollen and bruised but healing. There will still be pain for a while, but if all this results in a baby, it will have been so worth it.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Sometimes it does take a village....

....to raise a child.
This post is not related directly to adoption or our family wanting to adopt but it is my thoughts and advice on my experiences with CPS and protecting your children.

Not every parent is born to parent. It is generally something you learn by example and adapt as you go. Not every circumstance a child is born into is adequate to give that child a chance for success. I believe in my heart that most parents are loving and capable but the staggering number of children in state care has me and MANY other panicked because it is growing like wild fire and it is not resolving the problems with the way it presently works. Some parents have no business being parents, but the majority who find their lives overturned by DCS/CPS involvement simply lack the skills or support system they need to successfully parent for a million different reasons.

Most of the time, in my opinion,  removing a child from their family can be more damaging to the child than the actual abuse/neglect/reason for removal....compounding the trauma the child has experienced. Having said that abuse/neglect is not ok....ever. I feel that in many circumstances providing a support system and teaching the skills needed for the individual situation is likely to significantly reduce the number of children in state custody.

Things parents in crisis need to know:

It is not illegal to give your child to someone else. You do not need an adoption agency to place your child and the family you choose can go through a kinship placement or adoption certification after you decide to give them custody of your child, however, their are laws and legal issues with interstate adoptions that you might need to have clarified.

You can make a temporary guardianship plan for your child and ask someone you know and trust to parent your child until you feel you are able to parent again.

It is hard and a long process in most cases to get a child back once they are removed by DCS/CPS and you will have very little control over what happens with your child and when you get to see them.

AZ has the worst reputation for "medical kidnapping" and you can be the most caring and attentive parent in the world and it can still happen to you, all it takes is one medical professional, one teacher or provider that doesn't like how you are caring for your high medical needs child and it could be over.

DCS does not tell parents everything. If your child is in care push for AS MUCH involvement as possible ie. Going to medical appointments, court etc. And take notes, write down and research every diagnosis and advocate for your child. Don't be afraid to ask for a supervisor or climb the latter of authority. Make them know you are NOT going to go away and don't believe it if they tell you that you can not handle parenting a child with high needs, because with the right supports in place you can.

Be proactive, as a parent,  and make a guardianship plan before any CPS involvement, just in case so that your child does not spend months or years away from a familiar environment.

Those who know me well know how I feel about drug addicted newborns. If you are pregnant and you use drugs and you want to ever parent your child,  make a guardianship plan and have a notarized copy with you when you give birth and make sure that the person named as guardian can take custody upon discharge and make sure the medical staff knows your plan. Generally when a newborn tests positive for illegal substance they are immediately taken into state custody and it is a very hard and strict path you will have to follow to get your child back. If by chance you are able to fool the medical profession and get to take your baby home it is going to be extremely hard to parent a newborn going through withdrawal while you are still addicted or possibly high/intoxicated. Even the best parents will find a drug addicted baby difficult and heartbreaking but they will also be better equipped to seek the supports necessary for that child.

If you do not have someone close to you that you would trust with your child, there are people out there that will help in crisis situations to become a temporary guardianship for your child while you get your situation sorted out. Temporary guardianship is not adoption and it is not "foster care" you as the parent can revoke it at any time. Absolutely reach out to your community to find someone who is willing to do this but be vigilant of who you trust because a guardian is not regulated like foster care,  but does give you the parents more control over how your child is raised and how much you see your child.

A good guardian will help you as a parent to guide you to get the help/supports you need to parent and help keep you in close contact with your child. A guardian is not compensated by the state to care for your child like a licensed foster parents.

A guardian might be ideal if you are experiencing homelessness and can not get assistance with housing etc.

I am sure that I have not included everything I intended in this post because I am using my phone for this post because my computer is down and my favorite IT guy is working out of town at the moment, but if you have questions, need support/help please email me at becky@preemie-babies.com

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Family Affairs

WOW....the last several months have been incredibly trying as we continue to work towards building our family. Things are still a bit up in the air as far as our options go but are narrowing down. We are exploring fertility options to build our family as we are not ready to emotionally commit to fost/adopt again after our experiences in the process of getting Caleb, and a typical private adoption is just financially beyond our reach as the expenses of such endeavor have soared to the tune of $35000.00+
Several months ago while discussing this with a dear friend she breached the idea of being a surrogate. I would have never asked a friend to do this as I am the kind of person who would never ask anyone I loved to do something I did not think myself of being willing or capable of doing. I was floored by the possibility and the willingness of my friend to even consider giving my family such a blessing. While it turned out to not be possible health wise for her to do this, I know we are truly blessed to have someone that loves us, and values us enough to have considered it for us. During this time....it has been months, I have continued to explore fertility options and make changes in my life to prepare for that possibility both physically and emotionally and it is still a very scary thing. I often wish that somehow we could just connect with a girl who wanted us to raise her child, but things have never, ever been that easy for us. They have always been incredibly challenging and in a way I am grateful because we just don't take anything for granted, we value everything we have worked so hard for. Even though the fertility route is slightly more affordable than adoption, it has still been a challenge to raise the money especially with unexpected expenses of moving and major car repairs etc. I am quite pleased to have saved what I have even if we are still a few thousand dollars away from our goals. While pursuing this, we have still remained open to the possibility of adopting, but sadly we have only been approached with more adoption scams.....I think we are up to 11 already this year. I am grateful that we have not fallen for the lies despite our incredible desire to add a baby to our family, the financial loss would have probably ended all pursuits of this dream, I hope that in the next two months we will be moving forward with a solid plan, either with a fertility specialist, or towards adoption. Either way, we hope to meet our ultimate goal of adding a baby to our family within the next year we hope! So if you know or hear of any situation where someone is looking to place their baby for adoption, please share this page so they can get to know our family and see if we are a good fit for their situation!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

What does hope look like?

 Hope is the pair of booties I knitted yesterday. Whenever I hear about an new situation I make something with that particular child in mind. Even though most situations don't go anywhere beyond just hearing about them, sometimes because they are not real, just someone looking to get money or attention, and sometimes because our family doesn't fit the matching criteria, ie. we already have children. As a result, the closet is quickly filling up with a multitude of beautiful things for the baby that finally does join our family.