Our Adoption Journey!

A journal of our thoughts, feelings and steps in the process of adopting a child with significant special needs.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Love you forever....

So much has happened since my last post....we kept trying to get pregnant....kept failing....started loosing hope, and yet, I saw rainbows everywhere around me, reminding me to never loose hope. A young friend contacted me. She was pregnant. She was not prepared to keep this baby for a number of reasons. She loves him dearly, but things are incredibly complicated and she asked me....SHE ASKED ME!!!!! ....if I would be his mom. It has been a tough road, for her, and for us having come this far, but I can't even begin to compare our trials and our feelings to hers. She has no idea how much I love her for even considering me to be this child's mother. I am in awe. I feel privileged beyond words. And I am so in love with a child named Logan. I dream of him. I plan for him. I worry for him. I imagine his smell, the warmth of his body as I hold him next to me. I imagine his birth, I imagine him as a toddler and a young child. and I am fiercely attached and protective of both this baby and his mother. I grieve for her loss already and it leaves me torn because my happiness will bring her sadness....and I hope. I hope that she is as strong and as brave as I am willing her to be, not out of selfishness....but out of love....not love for this child (who I love more than words), but out of love for HER....love you forever....Logan's first mom, and always his mom. I am not replacing you...just an added person to love and guide this sweet soul. He is a gift, and a blessing, and forever a double rainbow no matter what.

Sunday, August 6, 2017


age is just a number....until....you are experiencing infertility and contemplating adoption again. 14 months post surgery and finding yourself back at square one....only many thousands of dollars spent on this quest to parent....again, and feeling no closer to the goal. My emotions are all extreme. Gratitude for all I have been blessed with, and immeasurable longing for another child to love, and hold and watch grow. Tears flow often....as I still try to enjoy all that life holds in the here and now. But how long I can keep trying, I don't know. It seems like it should be easy to say that this is it, this is all I am going to get.....but, how do you give up a dream that you think about every hour of every day. Everywhere I look I see rainbows and it kind of keeps that hope alive that we too, will get our rainbow. I just need to figure out how our rainbow is going to come to us....do I keep taking these meds for our 5% chance to conceive, or do I take that money every month and put it in an adoption fund, or search again for a kind hearted person to be a surrogate. I guess this month will involve a lot of soul searching.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Happy 6 month birthday....

Dear Axle,

Today you are half way through your first year. I hope your day is filled with joy and happiness. I have been cut out of your life and have not seen or heard anything about how you are doing in nearly 2 weeks. I hope you know that you will continue to be in my heart. Soon we will be moving....our little cabin should be delivered in a couple weeks and we are all both excited and a bit sad. Sad because we are certain this move will mean we will never see you again, but excited to move on to a new chapter in our life, closer to nature, closer to family support, better school, and hopefully closer to my long term goal to homestead. oh how I wish you could share this with us. I know you would grow and thrive in this environment. I continue to pray for your parents, for you and your sister. I will always cherish the time we had together.



Monday, May 22, 2017

Guardianship Experience Journal

9:19am April 6, 2017

I get a frantic and tearful call from B (AJ's mom) stating that she wants to sign him over to me, she doesn't know what to do, but M (AJ's dad) was violent with her the previous night and has left after the police were called. I had just been to the dentist with Ethan and was on my way to take him back to school and told her I would come immediately after dropping Ethan at school. I arrived close to 10:30am to find B an erratic blubbering mess. I tried to console her, but she was already completely detached from the situation. AJ was at a friends home in the same apartment complex and we went to collect him. I buckled him in my carseat and B handed me 2 bags of things for him. I told her I would not allow her to sign him over to me in that state of mind, but that I would keep him safe until she was ready to take him back. She couldn't even make eye contact with him. I had her write a quick note allowing me to seek medical care for him. He was sick and had been prescribed an antibiotic on Tuesday the same week (it was Thursday and he had not gotten his morning dose yet). He was extremely congested, lethargic, and not eating much at all. B said she was self admitting to the hospital to get treatment and should be out in a few days but planned that he would be with me for 4-7 days.

I took AJ back to the doctor the following day as his symptoms were worsening when they should have been improving on his 4th day on antibiotics. The dr. thought it was just a cold and recommended an infant safe cough medicine to help with his symptoms, which we promptly purchased and started him on and it did help.

Almost a week passed and we did not hear from B. Although we had spoken some with M regarding the situation.

On the 8th day B called and said she was out of the hospital but couldn't care for AJ she wanted to visit, so we arranged a visit so both B and M could visit AJ in a neutral environment, which occurred on day 9. B appeared very drugged and keyed up, the visit lasted about 90 minutes after which M took B to get some supplies for AJ. B said she would visit Monday, Wednesday and Friday of the following week and then stated she would take him home the following Monday, April 24th.

We gave M $60.00 for gas so that he could come visit AJ on April 16th, he cared for AJ the majority of the time he was with us and I taught him some soothing techniques and developmentally appropriate activities/play. M did relay the events of the night of April 5th and admitted he had thrown B off the bed onto her daughters bed (on top of her daughter). We also assisted him with information and paperwork to petition to have his name added to AJ's birth certificate.

April 16th B called to complain about M (never really calls to ask about AJ) she also cancelled her visit for the 17th stating she had an appointment with her councilor and rescheduled for the 18th.
On the 17th she called and stated she was still waiting to get an appointment with her councilor (who she stated the previous day she had an appointment scheduled for that day being the reason she couldn't come visit AJ) she also stated she forgot she had a dr. appointment for the 18th and couldn't come then either (we later found out that it was a salon appointment, not a dr. appointment).
on April 19th B came for a visit and to bring formula and sign a temporary guardianship form. AJ was asleep when she arrived so we went to the bank to get form notarized, and store to pick up formula. By the time we got back she was so emotional she said she did not want to see AJ like that, so she left without a visit. the following day she canceled her visit scheduled for Friday. At this point, AJ had been with us 2 weeks and had seen his mother only 90 minutes in that entire time.

April 22, 2017, M arrived for a visit. He again attended to the majority of AJ's needs. He stayed the night, however, I took care of the 3am feed and 6am feed/diapering. M visited for a few more hours before leaving

April 24th B arrived for a visit at 11:40am, she appeared less drugged and more coherent but style very manic/hyper stimulated. We discussed her progress and I expressed concern about her ability to care for AJ at that point and she agreed she was not ready yet and asked that he stay another week. She visited for approximately 1 hr 45 minutes.

this week was filled with fighting and confrontation/conflict between B and M regarding custody, responsibilities and the birth certificate, but on Friday April 28th we all met together (so I could mediate) and paperwork was signed to add M's name to the birth certificate and a document with agreed visits and responsibilities etc. this visit lasted a bit over an hour, then B and M left together to visit vital records. After this point neither parent visited, and most calls were to complain abut the other parent/conflicts etc. I explained to both parents that I was not meant to be in the middle of their issues, that I was just there to keep AJ safe and care for him. B kept pushing out the date to take AJ back, and M repeatedly accused me of trying to steal his child (though I had tried to get B to take him home several times). During this time I had sacrificed a lot to be able to care for AJ. The week following taking him in, I had two teeth break, which was extremely painful, but I did not go to the dentist because I had no one to care for AJ.. I also stopped taking my fertility meds so that we could afford the expense of his diapers, formula, supplies which we have spent hundreds of dollars on at this point and have not been reimbursed a single penny. I was taking abuse from M on a daily basis about AJ being in our care and him threatening to come take the baby (this would have been kidnapping as he was not the custodial parent). I tried very hard to get a transition plan in place so the AJ would not have to go through the trauma of changing caregivers and situation overnight but have a gradual change. However, on May 17th, while looking for AJ's nail clippers I discovered a baggy of unknown medication/drugs in his diaper bag, which had been under the crib the entire 7 week stay. I started to try to find out what the pills were, and at the same time asked B what they were, who initially told me they were vitamins, despite the fact that I already knew they were barbituates. I did tell her at that time, that I would have to make a report as we were mandatory reporters and I was not only concerned for AJ's safety but for her daughters, who would have had easy access to the diaperbag. The drugs in question were identified as Capacet and were not prescribed to B, and B never admitted responsibility and immediately picked up AJ after I had filed a report and spoken with police. We don't know how AJ is adjusting, or if he is even still with B. B has since blocked my text messages etc. We love and miss AJ tremendously and pray daily' that he will have a safe and happy life.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I will remember you....always.

Dear Axle,

It is better to have loved and lost....than to never have loved at all. I don't know who coined that phrase and I am too busy to look it up as I quickly pen my thoughts today on what very well may be our last day with you. You are 5 months old and the light of my life, well one of them. I can't believe I let myself fall this deeply in love with you, but I guess that it is just part of your magic and wonder. Tomorrow already seems impossible, and the tears flow freely. You have spent a quarter of your short life with me and you have captured all our hearts and bonded so deeply with our family. I pray for your continued safety, that you will grow strong and always have a sense of belonging and know that you are very deeply loved by many, even if we don't get to share your life. I cherish your smiles, your giggles, our quiet midnight feeds. Your were (are) my rainbow in the midst of ominous dark clouds surrounding me. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, and I may never see them to fruition but I will continue to keep you in the deepest, softest, warmest place in my heart. These weeks we have shared has seen the start of some healing for my broken heart.....even though I know in a matter of hours it will be shattered again, I hope that we have given you the love and care that you deserved in your time of need. Be strong, run wild and free, grow wise and be generous and caring. I love you forever, I'll like you for always....as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.


Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Cycle 5 days 24

Ok, I understand and feel the pain ever so clearly of those experiencing infertility. You can say it is different because I have 4 biological children and have also been blessed to adopt 2 children ,  but it isn't different. It is the drive to have a child and not getting there after months and months of doing everything you possibly can to have one. Today I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and upset. It is like every negative test is chipping away at my heart and today range true. 21 months ago I lost a child. 18 months ago we began the journey to parenthood again. Attempting to find peace with the fostercare system has failed.... we have experienced 21 attempts at adoption scams,  2 potential adoptive placements have fallen through. 12 months of fertility supplements, been through consultations, Dr. Appointments, major surgery and now our 5th cycle trying to conceive is coming to a close. At 6 months we are being referred for even more intensive fertility treatment.....but after investing probably close to $10,000.00 into this dream of another child I don't know how much further I can push it....financially....and emotionally. Of course I will carry on with a small smoldering ember of hope, knowing this child is so wanted and will be so loved.....but today I am hurting.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Back to the drawing board

Our 4th cycle ttc (trying to conceive) has come to a close with no success. And our 5th cycle begins knowing we must think about how we want to move forward as we are supposed to consult again with fertility doctors if we are not pregnant by month no. 6 because of our age. Time is not on our side for any of our options and I am trying very hard not to get depressed at this point. It is hard for me especially because I am usually on the giving end and now I might be the one in need of help. I desperately want another child, and while I would love to be able to conceive and carry a biological child, especially after all the money, time, pain etc. We have invested for this chance, I also know that my desire for another child goes beyond that and I  would happily adopt again but there lies my dilemma,  having invested all our savings to get to this point in restoring my fertility I don't have funds to start an adoption path through an agency, and even if I did have the finances in place, most birth mom's are looking for a childless, young couple. Only a small percentage of girls looking to place a child are open to older families and large families. So here I am hoping for a miracle: either to get pregnant on our 5th cycle or an angel to come into our lives and choose us to raise her child without going through an adoption agency. I will continue to hope, and pray, and give service and help others whenever I can.