Making Hope

 

Building up a beautiful layette.

Waiting is HARD, so to keep myself busy and focused I continue to create on a daily basis. Many items created will be made available in my shop at: http://www.thistledowncottage.com

42....

age is just a number....until....you are experiencing infertility and contemplating adoption again. 14 months post surgery and finding yourself back at square one....only many thousands of dollars spent on this quest to parent....again, and feeling no closer to the goal. My emotions are all extreme. Gratitude for all I have been blessed with, and immeasurable longing for another child to love, and hold and watch grow. Tears flow often....as I still try to enjoy all that life holds in the here and now. But how long I can keep trying, I don't know. It seems like it should be easy to say that this is it, this is all I am going to get.....but, how do you give up a dream that you think about every hour of every day. Everywhere I look I see rainbows and it kind of keeps that hope alive that we too, will get our rainbow. I just need to figure out how our rainbow is going to come to us....do I keep taking these meds for our 5% chance to conceive, or do I take that money every month and put it in an adoption fund, or search again for a kind hearted person to be a surrogate. I guess this month will involve a lot of soul searching.

Cycle 5 days 24

Ok, I understand and feel the pain ever so clearly of those experiencing infertility. You can say it is different because I have 4 biological children and have also been blessed to adopt 2 children ,  but it isn't different. It is the drive to have a child and not getting there after months and months of doing everything you possibly can to have one. Today I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and upset. It is like every negative test is chipping away at my heart and today range true. 21 months ago I lost a child. 18 months ago we began the journey to parenthood again. Attempting to find peace with the fostercare system has failed.... we have experienced 21 attempts at adoption scams,  2 potential adoptive placements have fallen through. 12 months of fertility supplements, been through consultations, Dr. Appointments, major surgery and now our 5th cycle trying to conceive is coming to a close. At 6 months we are being referred for even more intensive fertility treatment.....but after investing probably close to $10,000.00 into this dream of another child I don't know how much further I can push it....financially....and emotionally. Of course I will carry on with a small smoldering ember of hope, knowing this child is so wanted and will be so loved.....but today I am hurting.

Back to the drawing board

Our 4th cycle ttc (trying to conceive) has come to a close with no success. And our 5th cycle begins knowing we must think about how we want to move forward as we are supposed to consult again with fertility doctors if we are not pregnant by month no. 6 because of our age. Time is not on our side for any of our options and I am trying very hard not to get depressed at this point. It is hard for me especially because I am usually on the giving end and now I might be the one in need of help. I desperately want another child, and while I would love to be able to conceive and carry a biological child, especially after all the money, time, pain etc. We have invested for this chance, I also know that my desire for another child goes beyond that and I  would happily adopt again but there lies my dilemma,  having invested all our savings to get to this point in restoring my fertility I don't have funds to start an adoption path through an agency, and even if I did have the finances in place, most birth mom's are looking for a childless, young couple. Only a small percentage of girls looking to place a child are open to older families and large families. So here I am hoping for a miracle: either to get pregnant on our 5th cycle or an angel to come into our lives and choose us to raise her child without going through an adoption agency. I will continue to hope, and pray, and give service and help others whenever I can.

Do we still help?

I got a question today if we have given up on adoption or helping someone in a difficult situation. While we have taken a different path to the child we still hope for, we haven't given up on anything. Though we have high hopes to be able to get pregnant again through surgery and fertility meds, we realistically have about a 10% chance.
While we are not moving for with an adoption plan, ie. Renewing our license and home study, we are still open to a guardianship, or temporary/permanent custody for someone who can't parent but would like options or involvement.
Yes, we would absolutely help a situation where a baby needs a home while a parent needs rehab or treatment and doesn't want to loose their baby to the system.
No, we are not a foster home nor do we have a desire to work with dcs/cps as we feel serious reform needs to happen to keep kids safe and families together.
No, we don't get compensation, and no, we can not offer any either. What we do offer is a safe, loving, nurturing environment to enrich the life of a baby that was born into a less than ideal situation.
Yes, we still work with girls to find resources and yes, you would still be in control of visitation and when you feel ready to regain custody. We will always listen to you, offer advice, and help find resources to help your situation, and always act in the best interest of the child (which is almost ALWAYS to keep the family together).
Our desire to have a child has in no way changed our desire and willingness to help children and families who need our help!

Cycle 4 day 21

I hate the 2 weeks wait between ovulation and when I have a chance to see if we were finally successful in getting pregnant. So to occupy my time I work on projects for the baby we hope for, that usually means knitting, but this week I designed a fashion kit for my bugaboo stroller that I am particularly pleased with. This set is for a girl, but I plan on making a more gender neutral one as well.

Cycle 1 day 1

Here we are 1 week post surgery,  still swollen and bruised but healing. There will still be pain for a while, but if all this results in a baby, it will have been so worth it.

Sometimes it does take a village....

....to raise a child.
This post is not related directly to adoption or our family wanting to adopt but it is my thoughts and advice on my experiences with CPS and protecting your children.

Not every parent is born to parent. It is generally something you learn by example and adapt as you go. Not every circumstance a child is born into is adequate to give that child a chance for success. I believe in my heart that most parents are loving and capable but the staggering number of children in state care has me and MANY other panicked because it is growing like wild fire and it is not resolving the problems with the way it presently works. Some parents have no business being parents, but the majority who find their lives overturned by DCS/CPS involvement simply lack the skills or support system they need to successfully parent for a million different reasons.

Most of the time, in my opinion,  removing a child from their family can be more damaging to the child than the actual abuse/neglect/reason for removal....compounding the trauma the child has experienced. Having said that abuse/neglect is not ok....ever. I feel that in many circumstances providing a support system and teaching the skills needed for the individual situation is likely to significantly reduce the number of children in state custody.

Things parents in crisis need to know:

It is not illegal to give your child to someone else. You do not need an adoption agency to place your child and the family you choose can go through a kinship placement or adoption certification after you decide to give them custody of your child, however, their are laws and legal issues with interstate adoptions that you might need to have clarified.

You can make a temporary guardianship plan for your child and ask someone you know and trust to parent your child until you feel you are able to parent again.

It is hard and a long process in most cases to get a child back once they are removed by DCS/CPS and you will have very little control over what happens with your child and when you get to see them.

AZ has the worst reputation for "medical kidnapping" and you can be the most caring and attentive parent in the world and it can still happen to you, all it takes is one medical professional, one teacher or provider that doesn't like how you are caring for your high medical needs child and it could be over.

DCS does not tell parents everything. If your child is in care push for AS MUCH involvement as possible ie. Going to medical appointments, court etc. And take notes, write down and research every diagnosis and advocate for your child. Don't be afraid to ask for a supervisor or climb the latter of authority. Make them know you are NOT going to go away and don't believe it if they tell you that you can not handle parenting a child with high needs, because with the right supports in place you can.

Be proactive, as a parent,  and make a guardianship plan before any CPS involvement, just in case so that your child does not spend months or years away from a familiar environment.

Those who know me well know how I feel about drug addicted newborns. If you are pregnant and you use drugs and you want to ever parent your child,  make a guardianship plan and have a notarized copy with you when you give birth and make sure that the person named as guardian can take custody upon discharge and make sure the medical staff knows your plan. Generally when a newborn tests positive for illegal substance they are immediately taken into state custody and it is a very hard and strict path you will have to follow to get your child back. If by chance you are able to fool the medical profession and get to take your baby home it is going to be extremely hard to parent a newborn going through withdrawal while you are still addicted or possibly high/intoxicated. Even the best parents will find a drug addicted baby difficult and heartbreaking but they will also be better equipped to seek the supports necessary for that child.

If you do not have someone close to you that you would trust with your child, there are people out there that will help in crisis situations to become a temporary guardianship for your child while you get your situation sorted out. Temporary guardianship is not adoption and it is not "foster care" you as the parent can revoke it at any time. Absolutely reach out to your community to find someone who is willing to do this but be vigilant of who you trust because a guardian is not regulated like foster care,  but does give you the parents more control over how your child is raised and how much you see your child.

A good guardian will help you as a parent to guide you to get the help/supports you need to parent and help keep you in close contact with your child. A guardian is not compensated by the state to care for your child like a licensed foster parents.

A guardian might be ideal if you are experiencing homelessness and can not get assistance with housing etc.

I am sure that I have not included everything I intended in this post because I am using my phone for this post because my computer is down and my favorite IT guy is working out of town at the moment, but if you have questions, need support/help please email me at becky@preemie-babies.com

Helen's memorial to Caleb

https://youtu.be/ujf9BsT5UEc

Family Affairs

WOW....the last several months have been incredibly trying as we continue to work towards building our family. Things are still a bit up in the air as far as our options go but are narrowing down. We are exploring fertility options to build our family as we are not ready to emotionally commit to fost/adopt again after our experiences in the process of getting Caleb, and a typical private adoption is just financially beyond our reach as the expenses of such endeavor have soared to the tune of $35000.00+
Several months ago while discussing this with a dear friend she breached the idea of being a surrogate. I would have never asked a friend to do this as I am the kind of person who would never ask anyone I loved to do something I did not think myself of being willing or capable of doing. I was floored by the possibility and the willingness of my friend to even consider giving my family such a blessing. While it turned out to not be possible health wise for her to do this, I know we are truly blessed to have someone that loves us, and values us enough to have considered it for us. During this time....it has been months, I have continued to explore fertility options and make changes in my life to prepare for that possibility both physically and emotionally and it is still a very scary thing. I often wish that somehow we could just connect with a girl who wanted us to raise her child, but things have never, ever been that easy for us. They have always been incredibly challenging and in a way I am grateful because we just don't take anything for granted, we value everything we have worked so hard for. Even though the fertility route is slightly more affordable than adoption, it has still been a challenge to raise the money especially with unexpected expenses of moving and major car repairs etc. I am quite pleased to have saved what I have even if we are still a few thousand dollars away from our goals. While pursuing this, we have still remained open to the possibility of adopting, but sadly we have only been approached with more adoption scams.....I think we are up to 11 already this year. I am grateful that we have not fallen for the lies despite our incredible desire to add a baby to our family, the financial loss would have probably ended all pursuits of this dream, I hope that in the next two months we will be moving forward with a solid plan, either with a fertility specialist, or towards adoption. Either way, we hope to meet our ultimate goal of adding a baby to our family within the next year we hope! So if you know or hear of any situation where someone is looking to place their baby for adoption, please share this page so they can get to know our family and see if we are a good fit for their situation!

What does hope look like?

 Hope is the pair of booties I knitted yesterday. Whenever I hear about an new situation I make something with that particular child in mind. Even though most situations don't go anywhere beyond just hearing about them, sometimes because they are not real, just someone looking to get money or attention, and sometimes because our family doesn't fit the matching criteria, ie. we already have children. As a result, the closet is quickly filling up with a multitude of beautiful things for the baby that finally does join our family.

the good and the bad....

Some things are just too good to be true.....for the last 6 weeks we have been focusing our efforts on a possible situation that was all too perfect. Some friends grandbabies were in CPS custody and they just didn't know what to do, nor if they could handle a toddler and a medically fragile newborn. It seemed like the perfect situation and a win win for all involved. It is turning out good and I am happy for our friends,  but when you are hoping for a baby and this type of situation comes up it is hard not to let your heart get too involved. It looks like our friends will parent both children,  which is great, but a little sad for us, because situations like this almost never happen. I was glad we could help them get through the process,  but it is time for us to move on and begin again looking for our situation that will lead us to our child.

Narrowing down our opportunities.

I have been asked and approached many times now about the shortage of foster homes, and why we are not taking that route for the child we hope to have join our family. Yes, we have made every effort to go that route first, because, we are not wealthy, and adoption from fostercare is pretty much free. BUT,
We live in a region where the population in fostercare is so small they will not license a home to take anything narrower that zero to six years. YES, there is a HUGE shortage of homes for the children in state care in counties near Phoenix, but they won't transfer those kids up to the rural counties so, we can not get a license for the children we are open to right now, which is newborn to 6 months. I have already adopted an older child (Andre was 11 when he was placed with us) and we have already adopted and lost Caleb due to his terminal condition,  so I am not going to be flexible to take on a situation neither me nor my family are prepared to take. It is about stretching our limits hoping to find a situation that fits with our desires and supports updating our home study and recertification to adopt. We know in our hearts there  is another child out there for our family and we are waiting with arms open......the crib is ready, new car seat arriving this week,  I have been busy making clothes and diapers and blankets, making sure we have everything ready at the drop of a hat. A week ago I got a call, but it was apparent very quickly it was a scam to get money from us. I also got a call this week from a social worker asking if I also provide childcare who is keeping our information on file, because he deals with scared young girls facing parenthood too soon, many of which have to make the difficult choice of making an adoption plan. It is great to be able to have things ready, but it also is a constant reminder of that sting of desire and no guarantee that anything will ever come of it. This is the place where patience is tested,  stretched and grown and emotions are so high and all that is left to do is hope, pray and wait.

Hoping beyond hope....just 1 more time.

Just weeks after my last blog post we were matched with a terminally ill baby just days after Finalizing Andre's adoption. Caleb came home just after Christmas and life got busy and hectic with a very high needs baby. We nearly lost him to a respiratory infection after 3 months, but after 2 weeks of intensive care he pulled through with a couple new diagnosis, one of which was tracheomalacia....basically he had a very floppy and small airway, and this coupled with chronic lung disease left us with two options, a trach, or take his tonsils and adenoid out when he was health. The latter was performed in August and life improved dramatically. Caleb's adoption was final in September and in October  we made a HUGE life change, we moved to 7.5 acres east of Snowflake and began to homestead. This life has agreed with all the kids and the rural mountain air meant healthy respiratory function for both Andre and Caleb.....and the tiny school is AMAZING most especially with regards to our disabled children. They have THRIVED. Ethan went from a self contained class for moderate to severe mental/learning disability to almost fully mainstream honor roll student. Andre has gone from nearly catatonic (before we brought him home) to learning to communicate with PECs, saying a few words, making choices, singing and dancing to the best of his ability and being included and loved by his typically developing peers.....and Caleb started preschool and just blossomed. I attended school with him every day for his first three months, so that he could learn to eat with his peers who were very motivating for him, until he was able to pass a swallow study and be cleared for the aide and staff to take over. Caleb had not had any significant illness or any hospitalization in his last 18 months. He passed away peacefully in March 2015 at 3.5 years old. This has been an amazing, wonderful and heartbreaking experience for our entire family. Just the other day we were out to a restaurant for my birthday and Andre kept turning to look at a rambunctious little blonde toddler with a look of curiosity and concern on his face, since he doesn't quite understand where his little brother went. We have spoken often about adoption again. It is complicated for us. We are not wealthy, we are not young, we already have what is considered a large family with five children at home, we don't live in a big city, etc. The cards are stacked against us but we still hope beyond hope that we will find the child we are longing to love and nurture. Our experience with foster care/foster-adoption has been bitter sweet and left us questioning if that route is right for us. And my desire at this point is to adopt a baby, so we are going to try for an independent adoption.....meaning we hope to connect with a woman hoping to place her child. We are open to either gender, or even twins, we are open to disability, we are open to any level of post adoption contact, we love Caleb's birth mom and still talk to her regularly, our only really strict requirement is the must be in AZ. We are not prepared for an interstate or international adoption. I just hope we can be as big of a blessing to a woman who needs a loving home for a baby she can not parents as this child will be for us.

Yeah....I know, everything happens for a reason

Well, it has been a while since I have posted anything on this blog, mainly because there was nothing neww and we were in kind of a limbo waiting for things to develop. Unfortunately, things did the opposite of materialize with the twins. It just did not work out and we had to withdraw from the situation. Maybe we are just meant to be foster parents for a while, or maybe there is another little one out there that needs us more. I know it is out of my hands. On the upside though, Andre is doing great....it is like he has always been our child and has been here with us his whole life. He and Ethan are inseperable buddies. He had surgery last month....it was harder on Ethan than it was on him. Ethan was so anxious not to be there and know what was going on every second, and the nurses totally melted when Ethan finally got to come see his brother and drove his chair right up to Andre's bedside, gently took his hand and couldn't stop saying "I love you Andre" over and over until andre came out of a daze of medication and smiled so big at him. It was the most precious thing ever and even with his limited articulation the nurses understood perfectly what he was saying. And we are just a month away from finalizing his adoption and everyone is so excited.

It's a boy....and a girl!

We have spent this past week visiting the twins we hope will be with us very soon. While it was hard to leave not knowing exactly when we would be back, it is good to be back in the comfort of home. Now. To get through all the paperwork and red tape, and hopefully several more visits and then we should be bringing them home! I had better start getting ready as I am sure the time will fly by this time....

Double Blessings

I am thinking it will only be a matter of days before I will have news that we will get to go for a visit to meet the twins we hope will be joining our family soon. Another brother and to my girls delight a sister too! We will have a very full house, full of children and extra full of love. We have been exploring the idea that we will soon need to make an extension onto the house, including a sensory/therapy/equipment room and a bedroom w/ an en suite bathroom to accomodate Ethan and Andre's needs ie. roll in shower, and special toilet because they are both at an age where they are going to go through tremendous growth spurts and I don't need to damage my back with continuous transfers from wheelchair to bath etc. Good thing we have a huge lot and plenty of room to add on!!!!

L-O-V-E

Our first photo shoot as a family of 7....hard to believe we could be doing this again in a few months as a family of nine!

Last training seminar???

...I hope. We have our last training class tomorrow for our foster license for special needs kids. We hadn't actually planned on finishing the foster license right now, but it was recommended by Andre's adoption team and means that he will continue to get his subsidies while we wait the six months to finalize the adoption. Tomorrow Andre will get to meet grandma and grandpa and other family members for the first time as well. So far he is doing really well adjusting to a new home and family and finally is in school after a long battle to have him placed in the same program as Ethan, and now it is only 2 weeks until school is out for summer holidays. We still hope to add more to our family and have a couple of prospects, but the waiting seems a lot easier now that we have Andre here and filling our spare time with getting to know him and taking care of him. This kids all love him and spoil him, even though he is older than all of them, they all are taking the roles of big brother and sister.

Placement

I had better post since we have had Andre since Friday night. Everything has gone so smoothly since he has come home. He is a very sweet boy and is fitting in nicely. He is really loving having the kids around and became quite sad when they got on the bus this morning to go to school but hopefully he will be getting on that bus with them in a couple days. The kids all got a stomach virus so that complicated things a bit but over all it was a very pleasent first weekend with our new son.