42....

age is just a number....until....you are experiencing infertility and contemplating adoption again. 14 months post surgery and finding yourself back at square one....only many thousands of dollars spent on this quest to parent....again, and feeling no closer to the goal. My emotions are all extreme. Gratitude for all I have been blessed with, and immeasurable longing for another child to love, and hold and watch grow. Tears flow often....as I still try to enjoy all that life holds in the here and now. But how long I can keep trying, I don't know. It seems like it should be easy to say that this is it, this is all I am going to get.....but, how do you give up a dream that you think about every hour of every day. Everywhere I look I see rainbows and it kind of keeps that hope alive that we too, will get our rainbow. I just need to figure out how our rainbow is going to come to us....do I keep taking these meds for our 5% chance to conceive, or do I take that money every month and put it in an adoption fund, or search again for a kind hearted person to be a surrogate. I guess this month will involve a lot of soul searching.