Making Hope

 

Building up a beautiful layette.

Waiting is HARD, so to keep myself busy and focused I continue to create on a daily basis. Many items created will be made available in my shop at: http://www.thistledowncottage.com

42....

age is just a number....until....you are experiencing infertility and contemplating adoption again. 14 months post surgery and finding yourself back at square one....only many thousands of dollars spent on this quest to parent....again, and feeling no closer to the goal. My emotions are all extreme. Gratitude for all I have been blessed with, and immeasurable longing for another child to love, and hold and watch grow. Tears flow often....as I still try to enjoy all that life holds in the here and now. But how long I can keep trying, I don't know. It seems like it should be easy to say that this is it, this is all I am going to get.....but, how do you give up a dream that you think about every hour of every day. Everywhere I look I see rainbows and it kind of keeps that hope alive that we too, will get our rainbow. I just need to figure out how our rainbow is going to come to us....do I keep taking these meds for our 5% chance to conceive, or do I take that money every month and put it in an adoption fund, or search again for a kind hearted person to be a surrogate. I guess this month will involve a lot of soul searching.

Cycle 5 days 24

Ok, I understand and feel the pain ever so clearly of those experiencing infertility. You can say it is different because I have 4 biological children and have also been blessed to adopt 2 children ,  but it isn't different. It is the drive to have a child and not getting there after months and months of doing everything you possibly can to have one. Today I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and upset. It is like every negative test is chipping away at my heart and today range true. 21 months ago I lost a child. 18 months ago we began the journey to parenthood again. Attempting to find peace with the fostercare system has failed.... we have experienced 21 attempts at adoption scams,  2 potential adoptive placements have fallen through. 12 months of fertility supplements, been through consultations, Dr. Appointments, major surgery and now our 5th cycle trying to conceive is coming to a close. At 6 months we are being referred for even more intensive fertility treatment.....but after investing probably close to $10,000.00 into this dream of another child I don't know how much further I can push it....financially....and emotionally. Of course I will carry on with a small smoldering ember of hope, knowing this child is so wanted and will be so loved.....but today I am hurting.

Back to the drawing board

Our 4th cycle ttc (trying to conceive) has come to a close with no success. And our 5th cycle begins knowing we must think about how we want to move forward as we are supposed to consult again with fertility doctors if we are not pregnant by month no. 6 because of our age. Time is not on our side for any of our options and I am trying very hard not to get depressed at this point. It is hard for me especially because I am usually on the giving end and now I might be the one in need of help. I desperately want another child, and while I would love to be able to conceive and carry a biological child, especially after all the money, time, pain etc. We have invested for this chance, I also know that my desire for another child goes beyond that and I  would happily adopt again but there lies my dilemma,  having invested all our savings to get to this point in restoring my fertility I don't have funds to start an adoption path through an agency, and even if I did have the finances in place, most birth mom's are looking for a childless, young couple. Only a small percentage of girls looking to place a child are open to older families and large families. So here I am hoping for a miracle: either to get pregnant on our 5th cycle or an angel to come into our lives and choose us to raise her child without going through an adoption agency. I will continue to hope, and pray, and give service and help others whenever I can.

Do we still help?

I got a question today if we have given up on adoption or helping someone in a difficult situation. While we have taken a different path to the child we still hope for, we haven't given up on anything. Though we have high hopes to be able to get pregnant again through surgery and fertility meds, we realistically have about a 10% chance.
While we are not moving for with an adoption plan, ie. Renewing our license and home study, we are still open to a guardianship, or temporary/permanent custody for someone who can't parent but would like options or involvement.
Yes, we would absolutely help a situation where a baby needs a home while a parent needs rehab or treatment and doesn't want to loose their baby to the system.
No, we are not a foster home nor do we have a desire to work with dcs/cps as we feel serious reform needs to happen to keep kids safe and families together.
No, we don't get compensation, and no, we can not offer any either. What we do offer is a safe, loving, nurturing environment to enrich the life of a baby that was born into a less than ideal situation.
Yes, we still work with girls to find resources and yes, you would still be in control of visitation and when you feel ready to regain custody. We will always listen to you, offer advice, and help find resources to help your situation, and always act in the best interest of the child (which is almost ALWAYS to keep the family together).
Our desire to have a child has in no way changed our desire and willingness to help children and families who need our help!

Cycle 4 day 21

I hate the 2 weeks wait between ovulation and when I have a chance to see if we were finally successful in getting pregnant. So to occupy my time I work on projects for the baby we hope for, that usually means knitting, but this week I designed a fashion kit for my bugaboo stroller that I am particularly pleased with. This set is for a girl, but I plan on making a more gender neutral one as well.

Cycle 1 day 1

Here we are 1 week post surgery,  still swollen and bruised but healing. There will still be pain for a while, but if all this results in a baby, it will have been so worth it.